Bad (way lame) jokes

Personally, I like bad jokes so I’ve decided to collect a whole bunch to publish in a book one day.

If you have any to share, let me know 😉

Here’s some of my favourites to get you started…

ORDER ALERT: I know this page is going to become long and so super funny and that everyone, not just Patsy will go here first, so I’m now going to start putting the most recent jokes first.

BUT to comment, you gotta scroll to the very bottom :)
Go ahead: LAUGH! But note, I’m trying to cut out the mean…no ill-will intended so if offended, let me know.

38. Don’t know if this is on the list or not: I have an odd fascination with chemistry. So I’ve always wanted a shirt that said COOL on it with the periodic table. To make that T-shirt, you gotta use CARBON, OXYGEN twice and Li = lithium. So I always say COOLi to my sisters who think I’m hue lame…es-tu d’accord? thx JL for making the shirt!

37. VNese joke: Hi hai chi = hello two older sisters….is this cool or what?

36. So there’s this country located near Saudi Arabia called Oman. Unknowingly, I said “Oh man, do you know where Oman is?” HEHEHEHEHEHHEH!

35. Vietnamese joke: Hue is a city in central VN and it’s pronounced “hway” not like “cue” in English. So my oh-so-cool joke is that things are hue cool, hue h-wonderful, hue fabulous etc….Some have said I’m hue lame but hwwwhatever! Hwwaahahahhahahahah!

34. No time to giggle wiggle but I’ve been hangin’ with s/o who’s 6’4 and I’m pretty darn short…so we say “we don’t see eye-to-eye” and he said “his is a higher ground or a higher being”….hahhaa rite? But seriously, when I put on heels, it’s already a different perspective so can you imagine seeing more than a foot above me…we never see eye to eye unless I’m standing three steps up :)

33. Here’s a Vancouver special. You know those tight, “sporty” pants that all the girls are wearing? I’m talking ’bout Lululemon. Apparently they make your butt look good, but I wouldn’t know cuz I don’t wear them. The joke, courtesy of a guy, Milos, who may or may not check those girls out is not the nicest but kinda funny….So, what are bigger people who wear Lululemon called? LULU MELONS! hekekekek! HILAROUS! (according to Celly…) Perhaps you have to have seen the pants to get the joke…One sure way to do that is to head to Vancouver. Yes, it’s a tourist destination but there, you can also be bombarded w/gals in these pants and perhaps you might just see a lulu melon or two (I prefer cantaloupe) and remember this page on a random blog…or you might be like some ppl I know and think I’m lame….that’s ok too :)

32. Straight from Celly’s email in Jan. 08 (inspired by me of course!) “I don’t think you wrote that you missed eggnog and candy canes in French, ha ha, but eggnog candy canes sound like a good idea. Damn, if i were a chef, I would open a candy shop. I would have the sweetest (ha ha) candy ever.” :) Indeed, this is exactly the kind of humour that you want to remember forever and ever, non?

31. OK this one cracks me up and I just hope that the person it’s about DOES NOT see it. (Pls don’t get mad at me!) Anyway…I once knew a VNese guy named DAT who changed his name to TAD (I guess b/c he wanted an English name) which I thought was a shame b/c Dat is a cool and pronounceable name, and to me, TAD just has the connotation of an aloof “Dude, where’s my car?” kinda guy. That in itself is not a joke…but when you consider the phrase “true dat” and then flip it to say “true tad,” you’ve got one funny expression that keeps ppl who know the story rolling in the aisles! C’mon, it’s a funny coincidence! I luv it!
heeheheheehehehehehehehheeheh!

30. When you meet s/o who’s as cute as a button, ask them if you can sew them on your shirt so they can be w/u forever…only if you like ’em of course!

29. OK, admittedly, this one ain’t great: I’m been hanging out w/wonderful Koreans of late, and so as I was explaining this to my Tedmaster, he asked why. I replied, well, we’re Seoul-mates! hahahahahaaha!

28. My most ultimate joke and since I’m lame and slow, it took me 8 months to realize that it wasn’t on the blog. Anyway, it’s about MK and Ashley Olsen. Who are they, you might ask if you’re not from N. America? Well, they’re the little “Michelle” twins on an old tv program called “Full House”.

So one of my oldest and bestest friend’s initials are MK and since ppl say we look alike and talk alike and are alike, we started to call each other MK and Ashley Olsen. Duh, we’re like sisters! Those girls are similar but have differences just like us:
–One is cool and more “dahrling” in her voice and the other is bubbly and blond (guess who’s who).
–One can be quite sharp when she doesn’t like other ppl and makes famous faces (terror!).
–They dress differently but always match (they are all bohemian and old lady style; we’re cute, cool casual or cold and snobby).
–All of us love bags and shoes and our hair style/colours are often not the same.

Case in point: it may be lame since they’re quite younger than us, but I like it and yes, I do have clothes that remind me of the real twins. heheheehehehehee!

27. Borama Furama! OK so this is quite an insider’s joke but it’s based on my friend’s name and if you think about Bananarama or Futurama and doing a funky, little dance with hand motions and quirky gestures, you might get the idea….or maybe not :( I can elaborate if needed.

26. Courtesy of my sister’s friend Joyce
RE-JOYCE and ROLLS JOYCE! What can I say, we love a good name joke :)

25. Bloody sandwich! Try yelling this with an English accent…especially when ur roast beef sandwich is leaking blood on a napkin! Ewwwwwwwwwwww! Picture to come!

24. Restaurant names: the Asian ones are a riot!
PHO EVER (LOVE)
WOK ON IN
HO LEE CHOW!
So me and DNVV should open one called Chicken Nguyens!
(Our last name is pronounced WIN in English!) Get it! Go on, laugh!

23. SAFE LEE! That would be my friend’s family name. They are CAREFUL with a capital SAFE. They’re engineers, doctors and man they’re so safe, they lost their Asianness. So of course, I’m out to change that so when Miss Precious Safe Lee comes to VN, she’ll be riding a motorbike “Look dad, no hands!” and of course, no one uses seatbelts! take care!!!!

So joke 22 is dedicated to DNVV: (joke 6)
22. Sooooooooo, They see me rollin
They hatin
Patrolling they tryin to catch me ridin dirty
Tryin to catch me ridin dirty
Tryin to catch me ridin dirty
Tryin to catch me ridin dirty
Tryin to catch me ridin dirty
My music so loud
I’m swangin
They hopin that they gon catch me ridin dirty

That’s Chamillionaire rapping and yesterday on V music channel, I saw Weird Al’s version:

You see me mowin’ my front lawn
I know they’re all thinkin’ I’m so
White and nerdy

Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Think I’m just too white and nerdy
Can’t you see I’m white and nerdy
Look at me I’m white and nerdy

I wanna roll with the gangstas
But so far they all think I’m too
White and nerdy

JOKES 1 – 21 BELOW:

1. I have this fabulous friend named K. Mann and her name is just great for jokes. For example, “mann, is it hot in here!” or recently, we were at a CGA-picnic (my old workplace) and I said to my blog master, PK, “if you want a popsicle, K. is manning the station :)”

2. I know this guy who loves to say “Why not?” which I picked up and so when I was in the Okanagan (BC’s wine country), I’d say “Wine not?” or “Wine not!” See, this one’s cool on TWO levels :)

3. I have yet another friend (see, YOU inspire me!) who has lots of interesting admirers. We call them her DAs (not to be malicious or anything) which stands for Dorky Admirers. But then we realized that you can’t have DAs without a queen DA so we call my friend the Dork Attractor :) but quality guys notice her too.

4. WTF??!!? What do you think of when you see that? I got this one via email from Sheldon who wrote “What, that’s fantastic!” when he heard about my internship. hahahahahahha!

5. For those of you who like a natural high, join me: I like to say that I’m high on life :) Ahhhhh!

6. Forget DKNY! DNVV is newest thing and it stands for Diana Nguyen Vancouver-Vietnam. Look out for her signature line in the near future! (Remember, this is a joke book!)

7. Sugarcane Ken: When I was in Toronto with my friends, we saw a fresh sugarcane juice press and when we asked the guy what his name was, he said Ken. This may not seem funny, but if you can imagine a Vietnamese accent, Sugarcane Ken has a nice ring to it.

DURING TRIP TO SAIGON SEPT 06:
Saigon part II
Saigon part II
the Spring Hotel on your right: good for foreigners

8. The Lotus Inn, courtesy of JP (Jim Paulson, not Jean-Pierre!)
When JP was just a young, rowdy boy (just a few years back in fact), after drinking he and his buddies would go here for cheap, late night Chinese eats and when they found that the door was locked, they pleaded: “Lotus In! Lotus In! Lotus In!” heehee :)

9. One late night in Saigon, Bronwen the other Camosun intern in Vietnam was talking about her host organization and said something like “SEAMEO (South East Asian Ministers of Education Organization) wants me to do blah blah blah…” Jim nodded but I guess I had too many beers cuz all I heard was “See me — oh!”

10. BTW my froggy bloggy’s hoppin!

11. I’ve got a friend named Dorian but we live in Vancouver (a city with an immensely overwhelming Asian flair) and so many peeps call him Durian (aka the world’s stinkiest mais tres bon fruit). So Dorian the Durian makes the cut for a joke BUT keep in mind that he’s NOT at all fruity!

12. So you know that a typhoon has just hit the Philippines and Vietnam right? Well, in Danang, I wondered what aftermath means in Vietnamese (= hau qua). A professor replied that it means that we must calculate the damage! Funny and not, given the circumstances.

13. I’ve got this funny picture which I’ll post soon where you can get freshly squeezed sugarcane juice and beside the stand, you can also get gas for your motorbike. JP said, after a moment of grave reflection, “That means there’s juice for you and juice for your ride :)” Sweet!

14. Why do diseases have such funny names?
An STD, trichomonus, sounds so much like a popular LUSH shampoo, trichomania, but its effects include increased suceptibility to HIV. The shampoo, on the other hand, is a frothy coconut solid which is creamy and leaves your hair silky smooth.

15. Cholera (infection of intestine that causes diarrhea, vomiting and all that good stuff) sounds a lot like “What? You have no right to call her a …!”

16. Church’s Chicken — Vancouverites know what this is: a fast food joint like KFC. Anyway, in Danang, there’s really a chicken church or a church’s chicken cuz the head cathedral’s actually called Nha tho con ga = church of the chicken! It’s got a chicken statue on its top. And you’d think it’d have a more holy name like St. Paul’s and have a cross on its top! hahahha picture to come :)

17. At the Equitorial Hotel in Saigon, if you need a drink, just go to the THIRST AID station. pic to come once I get back to that city :)

18. For those of you who watch “The OC”, the real OC aka Laguna Beach is really where it’s at. I know it’s about high schoolers but hey, I like it and so me and my sis think you can totally refer to s/o (a girl u know) as a Laguna B****! You have to watch the first couple seasons to know what I mean :)

19. OK so the same sister also knows someone named F. Hangler. However, in our household, we call him Mr. Hang glider! Seriously, that should be his Halloween costume every year!

20. Parasites: you know what these are. They feed on their host and harm them but do not lead to immediate death. Doesn’t that sound like some girlfriends and boyfriends? If you know s/o with a parasite, help them get rid of it NOW! heheheheheh! They’ll appreciate it in the long run and remember, often the host doesn’t even know what harm the parasite is doing. SAVE Your FRIENDS!

21. The Wonder Boys work at the Wonder Bar (I know it’s been done but it’s still fun.) and my favourite one is Boy Wonder but in Vietnam, his name just can’t be Robin!

AND THE JOKES CONTINUE :)

10 thoughts on “Bad (way lame) jokes

  1. Patsy on

    Salut Cathy! glad you’ve decided to keep a blog of your exciting adventures. to tell you the truth, the first section i hop to is… you guessed it, the bad joke section! keep it up!!!

  2. Diana Nguyen on

    Hey Cathy,

    I crack up when I read your jokes, but I crack up even more when other people use your jokes (MK). However, I would like to request some vietnamese jokes now that you’re in that country. It would very much be appreciated. Keep us posted on what’s going on!

  3. Michelle Nguyen on

    That “wine not?” joke is really funny! I’ve never heard you use that one before but most of the rest you have killed. That’s ok . . . repetition is funny too. what was that? repetition is funny too. say it again?

  4. Lobster on

    Loving this blog and really happy for you in this adventure.

  5. Michelle Nguyen on

    HOW COULD YOU FORGET RE-JOYCE AND ROLLS JOYCE CATHY? These are good bad jokes that we made during mass when we were not supposed to be talking . . . add them!

  6. speaking of names… one of my profs is called “Du Dat Vu” so everyone’s always telling him to “do this, du dat!”

  7. Michelle Nguyen on

    I went to this really cool button shop last week. I bought six for six bucks and two of them were only 10 cents each. Ay, i’m a sucker for buttons.

  8. Michelle Nguyen on

    “Ay, I’m a sucker for buttons”. True tad, true tad.